Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
