If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
