So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
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Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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