he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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