I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
