I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
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OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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