If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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