my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
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Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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