found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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