I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
