your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
