I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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