One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
