You're completely useless in the revolution.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
