Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
