i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
