he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
