we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
my liver is dry heaving
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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