She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
