Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
