I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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