what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
