Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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