On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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