Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
