Don't make out with my wife yet
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
