I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
