I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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