Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
