please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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