I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
