We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Shame - the story of my life.
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