So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I would fuck him just for his dog
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
