look no pants
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
