we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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