The maid of honor just puked.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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