i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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