My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
