"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
