my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
