I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The power of my boobs compel you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
