Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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