i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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