would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i love accidental penises.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
