I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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