I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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