I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
