you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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