Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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