Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
