i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
