Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You're a waste of cheezeits
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
