i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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