Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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