I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
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he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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