Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
